Falling in Love

     Fall is my favorite time of year. It always has been ever since I could remember. I love the cool crisp jacket temperatures with the sun on my face. I love the leaves and the raking of them (but not the putting them into bags part). I love the filtered light that is common this time of year. I love watching my son(s) play football. I love the last harvest of fresh fruits and vegetables before winter. I absolutely love my fall birthday. Halloween is my favorite holiday. Fall signals the end of trauma season (which is a work bonus). 

     So I am settled in and enjoying the view once again. This time of year accentuates the peace and joy in my life, and makes me smile. I am happy for each fall day that I can sit on the porch and watch for my kids to come home from school before the snow and cold drive me inside. Each fall brings something new to experience, look forward to, or hope for. It is like my official new year. This fall marks my daughter's first year of school, our first Halloween as a family, and the first time my son has agreed to run a 5K with me (http://www.undeadrace.com/).

Pseudomom

I have a wonderful new son/friend/companion/playmate. I am not sure where I fit into his life yet. He is almost 5. So right now if I give him cereal and graham crackers and take his side from time to time in the fights over toys he thinks I'm alright. I am not his real mom, and he makes sure to correct everyone who guesses otherwise. He is right, and I don't want to be. He and I have tentatively forged our relationship. There were few struggles as we both found our equally important places in his dad's life. He is fun and interesting and an immediate favorite amongst my own four. It is a different thing entirely to win the heart of one who has no obligation to like you. So my little friend and I ride the rollercoaster just like I do with my kids. I enjoy the sweet things. The smiles, the hugs, the things that let me know he has accepted me in his life. I sigh over the emotional things. They are there too. I hope he will always see me as his friend. As another person amongst the many that care about him.

4 + 1 + 0

The reality of not having any more children sets in this week. I have been in this mental state before. I longed for it. It was excitement and relief. This time I feel a small pang of loss and sadness. I am in a new happier chapter, and a small part of me fights against this permanence. Of course it is only natural to want to share something so sacred with someone you love so much.

They run, and they play, and they are busy. There are plenty of them. All special and unique. It is funny how each little person is so different. How they fit into your life so you can't imagine the world without them. I am grateful to be given the opportunity to share in the lives of these 5 children and I know that we are complete. I know that it isn't necessary to have a child together to share our joy and our love and our hopes. I know we already have something sacred.

Ground Zero

It's a big house. The biggest I have ever lived in. We have been here for 6 months now. Sometimes I really like it, and sometimes it feels very foreign. You see it is not my house, or at least it wasn't always. Being a woman and a mom I busily spend my days tailoring it to me as fast as I can so it feels right. Comfortable. I am here because it took over three decades to find the love of my life. Having been in the arms of someone you truly love and being completely unwilling to ever give him up, I consented to live in the house to see if we could make our life happy together here. I already know we are a success story. A romantic drama. We were meant to be. Together with our 5 children we fill the house with noise and happiness. We are a perfect fit. This house and us.